(no subject)

"Maybe we can both clone ourselves, and you can bear them as twins.  And while they're all wrapped around each other in your womb, we can be doing it and squirting them with semen."

(no subject)

shit i haven't written in this in forevers.

breaking up is hard, i don't think i'm cut out for it. i mean, and not just because i think he'll fall all to pieces without me, but who will rub my head and give me massages and talk to me when i'm stressed out and cuddle with me at night? then again it's probably not fair to drag him along on my stupid up and down roller coaster of crazy. at least at this point i can tell when i've been crazy and apologize for it. i just wish i could realize while it was happening and not do it to begin with. i use the word 'just' a lot, i wonder why...anyway, i don't really know what to do on that front, forseriously. maybe i'm too picky? i don't know, i don't think so...i just don't think i should have to settle, you know? i want to be happy. i don't think people should have to compromise on being happy simply so that they don't hurt other people. i guess the main reason holding me back is i keep thinking back to before we met, when i was single for what, like, a year or something? a while. it seemed like forever, god i hate being alone...but it just seemed so hopeless, like how will i ever even meet someone much less convince them they should date me? when i meet someone i even halfway am attracted to i just clam up and act retarded and awkward and get all quiet, and let's be honest, that's just not me. i'm rarely quiet. hilarious, i know, thank you. anyway, seeing as i'm bad at meeting/talking to new people, and seeing as how we're almost to six months anyway, i guess i'll just stick it out until i really can't anymore. maybe it'll get better! maybe not. but you never know, right? i have to give it a chance...i guess....

in other news, working at usda is awesome i love it except processing soil samples all day long and washing glassware. bleh. but the people are amazing, i love my lunch crew. school started up yesterday, seems like it'll be a good semester, which i desperately need. taking organic chem again blows but at least this time i have some backround in it and it relates to what i do at work every day so i think i have a better chance at passing. genetics promises to be AMAZING my teacher is really funny she makes me want to listen to her, unfortunately the opposite is true of my geography class, god that man is so dull.

in summation, have a glorious day and hopefully i won't be all moody and irritable with my STUPID GODDAMN PERIOD STARTING ABSDF'OIBS"dOIBGV;BF[OGIB'GOB

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

livejournal? more like liejournal am i right


bio is fine but now it's a near sure thing i'm going to fail organic chem. fuck
i still don't have a job, usda should contact me soon but funds are running short. fuck
THIS is why i don't date boys who are younger than me. lame
i miss alan, david, and nate and i have no idea when any of you are coming home. fuck

OTHER THAN THAT i hate my house and i want to move out, my cat is like a pooping/pissing/vomiting machine and i am exhausted 24/7. but i try to keep my spirits high
  • Current Music
johnny whitney

(no subject)

how can it possibly be that easy to lie to someone? i don't mean just anyone obviously that's easy but someone you know and care about? just lie right to their face, over and over again? please, honestly, explain to me how this is such a simple and easy thing to do because for some reason i can't comprehend it. how are you not wracked with paroxysms of guilt every time you look them in the eye? it's so very easy to just be honest and explain things and talk about things and yes maybe it will hurt a little bit but not as much as being thrown into a sea of self doubt and mistrust. i thought i was finally dealing with my trust issues and now after so long here is another bag full? fuck you. FUCK. YOU. fuck you for sucking innocent people into your boggy morass of bullshit. i don't need to be dealing with your shit too, trust me i've got enough of my own going on. JUST DEAL WITH YOUR OWN SHIT HOW HARD IS THAT ok pretty hard but still there is no need to go dragging others down with you.
and really i mean i don't mean to sound patronizing but these problems are so simple, they are so simple. logic. sit back, calm your thoughts, and think about it for a little bit. what, LOGICALLY, should you do? ok, got that? now go do it. and yes ok it may not be quite that easy to just "go do it," i have known i am depressed for years now and still i cannot force myself to make an appointment and get some drugs to fix my brain chemicals. but i don't make other people deal with that, i sit down and clear my head and think about what i want to do and what i should do, i say "no, anne, that's your crazy talking. don't listen to it. if you were sane and normal this is what you would do" and then i do that.
i think perhaps people are just not really in touch with themselves. or something. i constantly psychoanalyze myself and those around me so i know pretty much exactly what is wrong with me and why i do the crazy shit that i do and sometimes, especially lately, i can even control it. just think about the things that are wrong with your life and then figure out why they are there.

i don't know, i don't know what to do anymore really. this was all so completely unexpected.

How does this go again?

i've forgotten how to play this game, this cat and mouse merry-go-round where we never say how we feel or what we want or really much of anything we just assume. i assume you realize that i'm into you. personally i think it's obvious but i have no idea if you pick up on it at all or are just completely in the dark. i was so good at this in highschool, i could wrap a situation around my little finger and maneuver it to go whichever way i want. but things are so different since then, i'm so different since then. i can't play the game anymore because i don't really want to, i don't want to beat around the bush and contrive situations and encounters and act like things are just falling into place when it's my own careful manipulations that bringing everything about. i want to just be able to say "hey, i like you. and i think you might like me. and maybe we could like date or something i don't know and maybe something awesome could come out of this and we can make each other really happy or something". but you can't say that, people don't say that. i just really wish honesty and bluntness and up front approaches were more welcomed and more encouraged, because this whole thing is just getting to be really exhausting. i give up, i don't want to play anymore. game over you win i'll just muddle around in my own crazy thoughts wishing there was ANYONE on this earth who felt the same. and maybe they do! but i'll never know because people don't talk about that! ugh. just be HONEST for once and maybe, just maybe, we'll all end up a lot happier.

another problem is i'm just so completely unsure of myself. i am filled with self-doubt, i immediately second guess every word that comes out of my mouth, every thought, every action, every look. i can't unravel this puzzle of interacting, i can't figure out how conversations work and how to act "normal" and how to be around people.

on a rather different note, i love my new pants, my new shoes are a half size too small and now i have gaping blisters on the backs of both of my ankles, my room is still a mess i have yet to spend any time studying and apparently someone i thought was my best friend wants nothing more to do with me and refuses to tell me so.

so it goes.
  • Current Music
    hercules and love affair
johnny whitney

shoot me

day one of giving up smoking is almost over.
so far, i:
- randomly hooked up with a guy i will probably never see again
- got my first no call/no show at ikea since i started working there
- was thrown into a fit of self-doubt/insecurity/anxiety/depression
- my entire body hurts, i feel really jittery and shaky
- i feel like i'm actually going insane
- i feel like i am GOING THE FUCK INSANE i cannot calm down i keep freaking out about everything and finally i realize oh yeah this is why i smoke pot all the fucking time, to avoid feeling like THIS but maybe its just like withdrawal or something i dont know. i hope. maybe not. i have fully one hundred percent decided to start going to therapy though, my head is so fucked up and i cant fix it on my own

i can reread the description for this disorder a hundred million times and it wont change the fact that it is basically just a summation of myself written out in fancy psychiatric language. i am terrified to go talk to a therapist. i know my depression is back so that can be my reason for going i guess but do i just tell whoever it is "hey look im about 97% sure that this is exactly whats wrong with me can we do something about it"? or do i just wait around for them to figure it out on their own? i dont know. its so awkward to talk about feelings and bullshit usually i cant even force myself to do it. plus i always end up crying for some reason no matter what and i hate crying so i tend to just avoid it. thats their job, i guess. god i cant stand this. this would be enough by itself but work and school and parents and stress and GOD i cant stand this.
ill just delete this tomorrow anyway

convulsion-like shaking, uncontrollable crying, difficulty catching breath, headache